First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
