Yo dont text me then not text me
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
