I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
