Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
