It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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