Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
