I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
