i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
