I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
