I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
