one two three fourrrrnication!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
