Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
