How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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