I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
