Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
