i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
