no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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