Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
