Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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