A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
