Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I puked a lego.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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