I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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