My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
