So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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