Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize