Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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