fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
