I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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