we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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