i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
