pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
