Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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