I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
