You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
