Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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