Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
