this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
