Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
