i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
