Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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