Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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