im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
