I didn't shave. On purpose
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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