Girls should come with a carfax report
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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