I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
