I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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