i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
