I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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