So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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