i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
