He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
