??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
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