I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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