i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
