I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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