Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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