bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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