So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
