yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
