im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
