Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
4 words: hood of his car
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
