I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Floor bacon is actually really good
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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