i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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