Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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