don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
