im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Ketchup is God's man juice
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
