thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
