'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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