FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
