I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
