she woke up with a sticky ear
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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