then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Randomize
