He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
