fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
