I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
