We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
