girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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