Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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